My name is Chip Duracell III, but you can just call me Chip Duracell. This is my first time contributing to El Gringuito, and I must confess that writing has never been my strong suit. I find words, and particularly the English language, to be so restrictive.
I believe that my perspective on life is best expressed through the patterns the fins of my surf board make as they cut through the waves of a reef break just before an oncoming summer storm… and also music. Nevertheless, one thing I learned in prep school is that one of the biggest honors a friend can bestow upon you is to ask for a favor or to invite your unique insight. When I
received a telegram from Ryan Bullock requesting that I submit an occasional post to his blog, I looked the Western Union boy right in the eye and said, “Yes. Tell him yes, indeed.”
I shall begin by explaining to you who I am. Yes, my surname is in fact Duracell. No, you are not mistaken... I am Chip Duracell of THE Duracells. I'll pragmatically address this "elephant in the room" in the way I always deal with an elephant... by shooting it, using its flesh to feed an entire village of savage locals, adding the experience to my resume, and turning its ivory into a handsome pair of cuff-links. You see, my great grandfather, Horace Duracell, founded The Duracell Battery Company in the early 1920s. Great Grandpa Horace was truly an innovator and a man ahead of his time. He achieved initial success with the very first Duracell battery (pictured here) 
by marketing it alongside complementary goods at Sears & Roebuck, such as the early portable massaging contraptions used to treat female hysteria. In any case, Great Grandpa Horace amassed a large fortune, and the Duracells have invested and reinvested that fortune over the last several decades. This has allowed generations of Duracells to attend prestigious boarding schools and universities, maintain inflexible political views, and pursue interesting and expensive hobbies. Over the years, the Duracells have developed a smile that is both polite and judgmental at the same time.
So I am Chip Duracell, an heir to the Duracell family fortune. While I feel a certain responsibility to reveal my background to you, please let me be clear that I have renounced all of that. Instead, I’ve chosen to travel the world in pursuit of rich experience and beautiful women. I like to think that I am something of a renegade. I’m a bit raw in comparison to my posh upbringing, and I run with a multi-racial circle of friends of diverse economic means. Let me tell you, my friends and I are quite a crew, and we really like to cut-up in sort of a mischievous sort of way that you find endearing. People often tell me, “Chip, for being the type of guy that lights up a room, you sure are approachable!” Nevertheless, I admit that there are certain unmistakably blue blood traits that are still particularly apparent in me. I’m a great athlete, and I can engage in small-talk on a wide variety of conversations from everything to U.S. domestic politics and foreign policy to which type of wine will go best with any particular meal. When it comes to dressing up or dressing down, I have impeccable tastes, and the way that my natural-fiber clothes drape across my tall, lean body is an inevitable product of many generations of careful, selective breeding. If I’m the only one at the party wearing a sports coat, I can all but guarantee that you’ll still be the one who feels under-dressed. If you invite me to your wedding I may not attend, but I’ll send you a fine set of mint julep cups along with my regrets printed on a heavy-stock stationary. That’s just me and who I have always been. I am Chip Duracell III – but like I said, you should just feel comfortable calling me Chip Duracell.
