Retired Inspirational Messages

Shake shake shake the ketchup bottle, first comes none, but then a lot'll...

Distance makes the heart grow fonder - of somebody else...

The man spoke with the kind of wisdom that only comes from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the Country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it...

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes...

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
-Mitch Hedberg

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.  Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. 

It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
-Winston Churchill

Britney Spears, she's not a girl, not yet a woman - Discuss...
-My old friend Sarah Gass, 2005 

Money can't buy happiness - but it enables one to look for happiness in more places. 

At some point a woman crosses over from being "single" to "unmarried"...